Remember
by lubyforeverx711
Summary: Neela and Ray remember what they had, and what they still could have. My first Reela fic. Please be nice. The summary sucks, but I hope you'll give the fic a shot. Please review.
1. Chapter 1: Prolouge

**A/N: This is my first Reela fanfic :) It'll probably be only a oneshot, unless people convince me otherwise. I hope you all enjoy. Please read and review. Thanks if you do :) This takes place during and after the scene in "A House Divided" before Tony so rudely interrupted them :(**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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"_Neela?" Ray Barnett pulled off his latex gloves walked out of the trauma room and followed the surgeon. He pushed the double doors opened and followed her quickly._

"_Neela . . . I-I need to say something." Their relationship for the past few months had been very awkward. He didn't know how to tell her-or if he even should. She was seeing Tony Gates now. She was still getting over Michael's death. Was this even right? He wasn't sure. But he needed to tell her. He had spent countless nights dreaming about her, or not sleeping at all and thinking about her. And here was his chance. And he knew it._

"_No you don't," Neela said somewhat cheerfully, "you did what you thought was best for the patient, that's all." She let the nurses take the patient down the hall and walked with Ray, removing her gloves as she did._

"_No. . . See it's- no, that's not it." Ray stammered. Neela was confused. He wasn't making any sense at all. Neela turned her head._

"_Then what is it?" her thick British accent flowed through his ears. They both stopped as Ray turned to her._

_  
"Uh. . . It's probably wrong I know, wrong place wrong time, but um. . "_

_Neela looked at him, trying to understand what he was trying to say. Just then, she sighted Tony._

"_Why didn't somebody page me?" he asked, strolling over to Neela's side. _

_Ray's face fell, his possible last moment to tell her how he really felt was now gone._

Ray stood in the locker room of Chicago's County General ER. He took off his lab coat and hung it in his locker. His mind traced that one moment with her only hours before. He hated Tony for butting in the way he had. Hated how he had Neela. Hated how he flirted with her day in and day out.

He just plain _hated_ him. He shook his head sadly. His soft, chocolate brown eyes held an expression of defeat. He removed his stethoscope from around his neck and threw it into the top shelf of his locker.

His mind then traced back to the day she had moved out of his apartment. He remembered it like it was yesterday.

"_Yo Neela!" he remembered calling as he walked in the apartment. _

"_I'm in here!" she had called back, packing her things in her bag. _

"_Hey, I brought you a pizza offering extra anchovies, and I promise no more dirty dishes okay?" he remembered taking his coat off and walking down the hall._

"_I'm gonna go uh, stay at Abby's for a while, she's at Luka's most of the time so. . ." she had informed him._

He remembered being bewildered by this.

"_So what are you moving out like, tonight? Can't you at least wait until you find a new place?" he remembered saying with a small chuckle. He didn't want to let her go._

"_I don't think that's such a good idea. . ." _Herface was troubled. He remembered it.

"_Yeah . . . you're probably right," he had reluctantly said quietly. He hung his head, and watched with a sad expression as Neela flung the bag over her shoulder. _

"_Hey . . . um"_

_He paused._

"_All good things, right?"_

_Neela just looked at him. She looked lost. Like a lost puppy in the woods. He sighed._

"_Sure had a lota fun though."_

_She finally smiled at him and walked to the doorway of the room, where Ray was standing. _

"_Need a hand with anything?"_

"_Uh, no . . .thanks."_

"_Pizza?" he was tempted to do anything to make her stay as long as possible._

"_No, I better get going."_

"_Okay." _

He remembered her handing him his T-shirt he had been looking for for a month. He remembered her leaving the apartment, and him running after her.

"_Neela!," he ran to over to her, "just one second. Please."_

_He looked around for a moment, and then faced her._

"_I wish I didn't feel the way I feel," his face held a sad smile, "I mean, you're the best friend I ever had." _

He remembered offering her his T-shirt. She didn't take it. She stepped into the cab, and he watched her drive away.

He slammed his locker door shut and threw his coat on. He threw his bag over his shoulder and walked out of the lounge. As he stepped out into the ambulance bay, he noticed Neela and Tony hailing for a cab.

Together.

For a moment, he pictured him and Neela, the way he wanted it to be.

The way it _should_ be.

"Goodnight, Ray." Neela smiled at him as he walked past them, heading for the El. He forced a smile at her and Tony.

"'Night." He made his way up to the platform. It was going to be another long, long night. Little did he know, however, that back down in the ambulance bay, Neela Rasgotra felt the same exact way.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I realize that the prologue was boring, and I apologize, but it was only a "background" chapter. :) Here's the official first chapter. Please review. Thank you.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, but I wouldn't mind having Shane West ;) **

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Ray sat on a seat on the El and rested his head against the wall. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply.

After seeing Neela and Tony together that night, Ray realized that there was little to no hope let for him. His dreams at night were now worthless. His feelings for her may as well be gone. His hopes and prayers of her coming back to him were just a waste of time.

He shook his head.

_How could I have been so stupid?_

He didn't know what to do. He never felt this way about anybody before in his life. He _knew_ that Neela was married when she had moved in with him. He _knew_ that there was no hope for them to be together-even if he wanted it. He kicked himself for letting him fall so hard for her so quickly. His body felt cold. He felt his heart turn to stone. His normally warm, sea green eyes turned to ice-like an ocean in the winter. Mentally, he felt himself go completely numb.

Once he had finally opened his eyes, he felt hot tears in them. He quickly ran his fingers up to his eyes and wiped them. His face was fixed with anger. Grief.

Pain.

He looked out his window and watched the city of Chicago zip past him. His stop was coming next, and he grabbed the pole beside him and stood. He rested there for a moment until the train came to a stop. Once it had, he walked out to the platform. He stood there a moment, watching the train roar past him. The bitter wind from the force of the train struck his face.

Cold.

He turned away and began walking to his apartment, Neela flashing through his mind.

Why did he put himself through this? Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't he just _move_ on . . . and be able to live life normally again? Why is it that his whole life, women have been dropping at his feet without him feeling a thing for them, but now, it was _him _falling on _his _knees?

_Why?_

He knew why. He just didn't want to admit it. He wanted the pain to end-and if he admitted it to himself, he would never be able to move on. Yet, he couldn't help but think that _maybe_ he wasn't _supposed_ to move on in life without her.

Maybe--

He found himself at the doorstep of his apartment and stood there for a moment. He glanced to his left, the same spot where Neela got into that cab and drove out of his life a year ago . . .

He hung his head miserably and dragged himself up the steps of the apartment and let himself in. He walked to his door and opened it, throwing his keys on the table as he went to the fridge for a beer. He placed the beer on the table and took of his jacket and threw it over a chair. He took his beer and sat on the couch, the same couch that he and Neela sat together on so many occasions . . .

He took the remote and surfed through the channels, eventually landing on a basketball game. He watched in silence, sipping his beer as the game went on.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Neela lay awake in her bed with Tony sleeping beside her. She looked at the clock on her nightstand.

12:30 AM

She couldn't sleep. Hour after hour, Ray kept popping into her head. Thoughts about there many memories together as roommates, thoughts of her coming home to him and sitting with him on the couch, thoughts of virtually everything that had to do with him.

She tried to avoid this. She tried to ignore it. She tried to convince herself that Tony was the one she should be with. She tried hiding behind Tony. She tried spending as less time with him as possible at work.

It was no use. Nothing could keep her from facing the truth.

She _loved_ him. She didn't want to, but she did. She knew it all along. Now she understood perfectly why she moved out of his apartment . . . why she ran to Tony after Michael died . . . why she had avoided him for months.

Everything was crystal clear now, yet so damn muddled. She didn't _want_ this. She didn't _want_ to love him. She _wanted_ to love Tony.

But maybe her heart _needed_ to love Ray, because deep down, Neela knew that Ray's heart needed her . . . cried for her. For a moment, she let her heart do the thinking for her instead of her mind.

_Maybe it's destiny._

He tried to be there for her after Michael died. But she pushed him away. She told him to stay the hell away from her. She tried to avoid him.

She knew she loved him then.

And she still did.

She knew what she needed to do.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I'm sorry for the long delay :( Life's been crazy with the twisted yet AMAZING "ER" episodes:) Here's chapter 2. Please review. Thanks so much if you do :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. **

Meg was dead.

Sarah was his.

Tony's phone had rang 3 hours earlier. Tony and she rushed to the scene, then to the hospital. Meg told Tony that Sarah was his. They tried for hours with no prevail to save her. She committed suicide.

Now, Neela was walking home alone. Tony had taken Sarah back to his place, and she knew that they needed to be alone.

To cope.

The night was cold, as it always was on a Chicago night during the winter. Her warm breath formed small clouds when it came into contact with the chilly air. Snow started falling from the sky. She sighed deeply. Her head throbbed. It had been a long night. During the last few hours, she had forgotten all about Ray. She was grateful for those past hours. Now that she was alone, she had time to think.

Time that she didn't exactly want.

Again and again came Ray's face in her head. It was as if a tattoo of him had been printed in her brain--making it impossible to remove. At this point, she was so fed up with it all, that she wished she could curl up in a ball--and disappear for good.

To run away from it all.

She hated it all. She thought that if she moved out early enough, that maybe her feelings for him would vanish…and they could both go their separate ways. But here she was, more than a year later— and still battling those same feelings.

Suddenly, she stopped dead in her tracks. She had come upon Ike's, and she stared through one of the windows.

She stared at him.

He was alone drinking his beer. He hadn't been himself lately. His sense of humor was still there, but he just wasn't _Ray_. The sparkle in his eyes was gone. The charm in his face had disappeared. His smile wasn't his natural genuine smile.

She missed him.

All of him.

Suddenly, Ray turned his head towards the same window she was looking in from. Her heart stopped. Their eyes met.

--

He stared at her deep, chocolate brown eyes. His heart ached as he felt himself falling for her all over again. It was all too much. His face became longer than it already was. His eyes became more pained, more sunken.

Broken.

Finally, he drew his stare away from her…away from the pain, and back to his beer bottle. He seized it and took a drink.

Outside, Neela felt her eyes swell in tears. The look in his eyes killed her. The guilt was excruciating. She knew what she had done to him. She wished with all her heart that she could turn back the hands of time….and take it all back.

The tears were falling. She turned and began walking down the street. The cold struck her face. The snow was falling heavier now. She squinted her teary eyes as she walked.

--

He was watching her from the corner of his eye as she turned and walked away. Immediately, he felt the guilt that came with his cold gesture moments ago. He grabbed his coat and put it on. He paid the bartender and walked out. Within seconds, he saw Neela's walking form, fading within each passing second.

He hung his head as he watched her fade completely.

He had let her get away again.

**A/N: I know this is really really short, but I just didn't think it could go any longer without messing the chapter up :) IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN SEASON 13 OR THE EPISODE "FROM HERE TO PATERNITY", DO NOT READY ANY FURTHER!!!**

**YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED…….**

**I CRIED when Ray kissed Neela!!!!!! Omgggg AH!! I was SO happy!!!! EEEEEE! Okay sorry I just needed to get that out :) **

**Please R&R…thanks so much if you do :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I realize that the last chapter was probably a disappointment :( and I apologize for it. I hope this chapter is much better :) Please R&R…thanks so much if you do. :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

He walked through the snowy streets a few hours later. The snow was falling lightly now. As he walked-not to any particular destination-he thought of how he had let her go again. She was right there….he could have ran after her. He didn't understand why he gave up so easily tonight. Perhaps he lost all hope for anything. Perhaps he was sick and tired of living the way he was, and wanted to move on.

Maybe…maybe he was sick of fighting a battle he knew he already lost.

He shook his head. He knew he couldn't give up—not just yet. He needed her, he knew that.

He continued to walk when he came upon the bridge. As he walked down the steps, he noticed that a woman was standing, peering over the lake. As he made his way down, closer to her, he noticed it wasn't just _any_ woman.

"Neela?"

The woman spun around at the sound of her name. She was tightly bundled in her black jacket, a scarf tightly wrapped around her neck. Her hands were thrust in her pockets. She stood there, the city lights casting a gentle glow over her features. Her eyes were red, like she had been crying. Her normal gorgeous face was now scornful. Her wet cheeks shined in the glow of the lights. Seeing her, he walked over to her.

"Hey…" he placed a hand gently over her shoulder. "What's wrong?" Part of him guessed it was his cold reaction towards her, but he didn't think it would cause her _this_ much distress. She sniffled and shook her head. She tried to turn away, but Ray firmed his grip on her.

"Neela..." he searched for her eyes. "Talk to me." After several seconds of silence, he placed his hand over her back.

"Come here." He led her to the stairs and sat down with her on the second step. His hand traveled down to her forearm, squeezing it gently. She ran her hands up to her eyes, wiping them. She shook her head again.

"What happened?" He attempted again. Neela was quiet. How was she going to tell him? It wasn't exactly the easiest thing to tell.

"….I-I don't know…I don't know how to say…" her voice cracked and she began sobbing all over again. Ray pulled her into his arms. She cried into his chest, her hands laying on his sides, tugging at his jacket. Ray held her, rubbing her back. The feeling of her against him melted him inside. His heart broke seeing her like this.

"Shh….it's alright…shh..." Without thinking, he placed a gentle kiss on her head-as if by natural instinct. The scent of her hair sent shivers up his spine. Neela dug herself tighter into his chest. Ray tightened his embrace. She felt safe in his arms. She felt, for the first time in months, at home. After several minuets of comfort, she pulled herself reluctantly out of his arms. She wiped at her eyes again. Ray rubbed his hand over her forearm. She breathed deeply, regaining composure.

"I'm sorry about that…I didn't mean-"

He shook his head. "Don't be sorry," he said gently. He stared into her eyes. They were blurred, but they seemed to sparkle while looking into his.

She breathed again, shaking her head slowly.

"I can't…I can't seem to find the right words."

"Well…where did you leave them last?" He smiled at her as she gave a small chuckle. For the first time in a long while, their company was at ease. He waited for her to speak. Neela was at a daze. How was she going to tell him?

"This is serious Ray…I don't even know if it's appropriate."

"What is it? You can tell me...you know that right?"

"I don't know about this…" She turned away and stared at the cement wall.

"Neela…" he turned her face with his finger, lifting her chin. Neela felt her eyes get heavy and her heart began to pound. She began feeling weak at the knees-even if she was sitting down. She slowly leaned her face halfway towards his. He looked into her eyes, silently asking for permission. Her eyes gleamed. He leaned his face into hers, and pressed his lips against hers. He felt her tongue graze his bottom lip. He reached for the side of her face, pulling her slowly and gently into him. Her face fit perfectly into his. For Neela, this was unlike any kiss she ever shared with anyone. It wasn't rushed, hard or rough. It was gentle, slow, and full of passion. She shivered when she felt Ray's tongue graze the roof of her mouth. Their lips caressed together. Both felt the entire world disappear. It was just them. Ray felt his sorrow and anguish vanish. Neela felt her heart warm. Suddenly, feeling the need for oxygen, Neela pulled away slowly. Both breathed hard. Ray stroked her cheek. Neela rested her forehead against his. They melted in each other's eyes.

"That's what," she whispered, her thumb grazing his soft cheek. He smiled. A snowflake landed on her nose, and Ray kissed her there. Neela felt hot tears swelling in her eyes.

Tears of joy.

Suddenly, Neela saw a tear slip down Ray's cheek. Her mouth dropped slightly and she smiled.

"I never thought I would see the day when Ray Barnett cried."

He laughed. "Shut up." He kissed her head. He pulled away and looked up into the sky, holding Neela's hands in his. Every now and then, a snowflake would find itself in Ray's eye, and Neela laughed at his look when it did. They shared an easy, comfortable silence for a few moments. He then bended his elbow with hers on his knee.

"So…what now?"

Neela sat there a moment, thinking.

"I…I don't know. I mean…I don't want to loose this."

"Me either….but with Gates…"

"I know, I know….I'll talk to him."

"When?"

"…Tomorrow- or today rather...after work. Are you off?"

"Yeah."

She nodded.

"We should go…It's late and I have the noon shift." She looked at her watch. It was 5:30 in the morning. He stood and took her hand and lifted her up. They walked to the El together, his arm around her waist. They walked in silence, neither feeling more elated in their lives.

"I would invite you to stay at my apartment…but I don't think that's…you know."

"Yeah, I know. I'll stay at my place," she gave him a reassuring smile.

The train pulled up to them. They rode to their respective apartments, both having their best night's sleep they had in a very, very long time.

**A/N: I'm very proud of this chapter :) I hope you guys enjoyed it. Please review. Thanks soo much if you do. They really keep me going :)**


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